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September 9, 2013 at 12:25 am
The Start of a New Journey
I pointed at the offending thing. As if by pointing I could add feeling to the cold lifeless thing. I trembled as the anger built in me. I couldn’t hold back any longer and raged at the person.
“How dare you! How could you have done this. You have ruined everything I once loved about myself. You have made me hate myself. It is all your fault, don’t you understand?” In a second the anger had slid away to be replaced by a cold sadness. My chest ached as the first tears came with words, “I have nothing anymore. No one to go to. No where I can relax. Nothing I enjoy.”
As the words continued the tears became a steady stream, “I hate you as much as I can hate myself.”
For minutes I sat there, staring into blue-grey eyes. I studied them. Was there understanding. Did I finally realize how much I hurt myself?
My reflection could tell me nothing I did not already know. I hated the person I had become. I was nearly 25 and acting as if I was a 50 year old spinster in days past. I had no friends, I chased them off. I did nothing except work. I hated the life I was living because I knew the life I had been living.
I took one last look in the mirror. This was it. This was the day I would change something. This was the day I would leave the depressed weary me behind. I needed to do something. I couldn’t just sit here, again, after that.
I gathered only what I would need for the weekend in a small bag. I left a hasty note on the pillow: Needed to get away for weekend, see you after work Monday. I powered down everything that didn’t to stay running. I hid away what needed to be hid. I cut off the light and stood in the open doorway.
I took a last deep breath before turning back to the mirror.
“I still hate you, but maybe after this weekend, I won’t hate you as much.” I shut the door behind me and took the first steps down a new path in life.